Saturday, January 31, 2009
I just don't know
The title says it all. I have no idea what to type, but I'm in a mood where I need to vent. The only issue is that I have no idea what needs to be vented. I just don't know... Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt like shit, and you didn't know why? Well, mine is almost like that. I know there are things that could make me feel like shit, but at the moment i'm not really thinking of anything in general. I'm just tired I guess. I just don't know...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
My First Vent!
So here I am, blogging. It's all Nessa's fault! Haha. Thanx Nessa.
So I've had a lot on my mind lately, and reading Nessa's blogs have made me want to do the same as her. Blog! So here I go.
Firstly, my family.... You need to understand that my family is a very goodie goodie family, and so was I. At least they thought so. All my life, I have been hiding, from my parents, my dirty little secrets. My parents are wonderful parents, but I turned out to be very different. Ever since I was a little boy, (like 6 yrs old, mind you,) I have been a bad example to my brother. So somewhere along the road I decided to try to hide my secrets and be a good example to him. HA! That didn't work. My bro, Landon, is only just under 2 years younger than me, and we have always been very close. He could read me like a book. I corrupted him in almost every way possible. UGH! Not very happy about that one. Neither are my parents. To them I should be on a mission, or at least preparing for one right now. The past five years have been full of trying to be "worthy" for a mission. It has been so fucking tiring. I've been trying and trying to be who my parents want me to be, who my older sister wants me to be, who my little sister wants me to be, who my bro wants me to be, (even though he won't admit it,) but it's never been something that I want! There was a period of time, like a month, mind you, where yes, I did want to go on a mission. It didn't match with my thoughts, who I was hanging out with, what I was doing, and who I really am. My parents won't believe me that this is who I am. I have been like this, a "rebel", my entire life. I have been lying to my parents since I was 6 years old. SIX! How could it not be who I am?! The people that I have always hung out with are the "bad kids". The ones that my parents warned me about. I'm afraid that I am one of those kids that they warned me about. I always have been. The night I told my parents that I am not going on a mission and that I was moving out, they were not happy. In fact far from it. My mother told me that I am, quote, "the meanest person she knows!" Ouch! Now, I know that she didn't really mean it. She tends to say things that she doesn't mean when she is emotional. But I am her son! I could not believe that she said that to me. It has haunted me ever since! Of course, I symbollically took a knife to her heart a few times, so I guess I deserved it. I just feel like she meant it sometimes. Going to my parents house has been different ever since I moved out. They won't just accept the fact that this is who I am. My mom gives me very judgemental looks everytime I go over there. Hugging my mom is so different now. It's like hugging an ex-girlfriend. It's totally and completely fucking awkward. I'm not asking them to support me in what I am doing, I just wish that they would accept me for who I am. Another problem is the example that I have given my brother. I am who my parents don't want him to be with. The other day, my brother said that he hasn't used his Chile's gift card yet, and my dad mentioned that he should go on a double. My mom sighed and reluctantly said, "go on a double with your brother. She won't let him sleep at my apartment. I've become the enemy. Every step to being me is a step away from my family. I just don't know what to do.
Secondly, there is me.
I have not been happier with who I am for quite a long time. But my self-esteem has dropped so much. Ever since my ex-fiancee broke up with me, I have been questioning my relationship abilities. I have not been able to hold relationships longer than 8 months. I am always the problem. I either go too far, or not far enough. My first girlfriend, I didn't kiss in our 3 months of being together. I think that had something to do with why she broke up with me. So the next few girlfriends that I had, I did. I had sex with one of them, and that one died because I told my parents, cause I'm an idiot. I was trying to be good again because that's what my parents wanted. UGH! I am so stupid! Then Deena came around. This was just after I had sex at 14! Deena was a good girl and I was her first boyfriend, so I told myself that I wouldn't do anything with her because I loved her too much. I knew that if I did anything, I would've wanted more, and I didn't want to screw up that one. Well I did. I didn't kiss her for 8 months! She broke up with me because of that. I didn't get over her through all of high school until my ex-fiancee came along. She was my love and my life. It just felt right. My parents loved her along with the rest of my family. We had a very good relationship up until we had sex. It ruined everything, literally. It became the relationship. That's all that we would look forward to. The only thing that we would do. So I broke up with her. A month later we got back together, it really was all that we did. I gave her the ring, and thought that I was happy. I realize now, that I wasn't. I was before we had sex, but I wasn't after. It ruined everything. Our breakup after that was very ugly. The night reality hit, was the worst night I have ever had. I had no idea that one could feel physical pain from an emotional hurt. Sometimes I wish that I had said no to sex, but it's too late now. My heart is broken and shattered. But then came Alyse. My newest gal. She has helped a lot, ridiculously. But I feel like I might've started to ruin that. I went too far with her because of my sexual addiction that I am having troubles with because of my last relationship. I did not and have not had sex with her, mind you, but I still feel like I let things happen that should not have. I hope that I can mend things there, because there is definitely something different about her. Alyse is like my other half. She is so understanding. I almost don't have to say anything! She knows me so well and its only been about a month since we started hanging out. I don't want to completely ruin this one. I'm pretty sure she will read this, and shake her head and think, "You haven't." She'll probably text me too. Haha!
Thirdly, my future.
I believe in the LDS church. In fact I know its true. I just don't know when and if I'll go back. I don't know if I could. I want to be married for time and all eternity. That sounds a little better than til death do you part! I just don't know that with who I am, that I could go back. I am enjoying certain things that would keep me out of the temple and away from worthiness. And I HATE GUILT! Every time I go back to church, I get looks. Looks that mean, "Why isn't he taking the sacrament?" or "He looks creepy." or "I'm glad he isn't hanging out with my kids." I tried for years to be the person that shitty LDS people want me to be. I was not happy. At all. I was not happy with myself and who I was. I was the kid who hasn't taken the sacrament for years and doesn't look like he's trying at all. I want to be loved for who I am, not for who everyone wants me to be. don't get me wrong, I do want to get married in the temple, I do want my kids to grow up in the church, but I don't know if I can do that. I would be such a hypocrite. Maybe I should just be a bachelor my whole life and never have kids! I just don't know!
Lastly, friends.
My whole life, I have been everyone's friend, but nobody's best friend. Everyone knew me, but nobody loved me. I had a maybe one or two close friends. I hung out with a couple people every once in a while, but most of the time, I was at home alone. I knew the jocks, I knew the drama kids, I knew the goths, I knew the rejects, I knew the emos, but I was never one of them. Ever. So I guess I never knew who I was. Once I moved out though, I feel like I do have friends who do care about me. My roommates kick ass! Sam has been there for me when I am in pain. The night reality kicked when my ex-fiancee broke up with me, all I needed was a hug. I know I totally sound really femme right now, but it's true. He was there, and, Sam, that hug changed the whole night. It helped so much. Thanx for being there. Deena, thanx. You are helping me work things out. You are a lot of help and I hope that i've helped on out nights of venting. Nessa, holy shit, you fucking rock. You are more like a sister to me than my own sisters! I know that I can come to you when I just need to vent! You are awesome and have helped me out a lot. I hope I have been of assistance also. And Alyse... What can I say? I'm at a loss for words. Everytime I talk to you about my feelings toward our relationship, you always are very understanding and you feel the same way. You are my world! I couldn't be luckier. You guys are my family.
Well that was my first blog. There is a lot in it and I hope that it wasn't too confusing!
So I've had a lot on my mind lately, and reading Nessa's blogs have made me want to do the same as her. Blog! So here I go.
Firstly, my family.... You need to understand that my family is a very goodie goodie family, and so was I. At least they thought so. All my life, I have been hiding, from my parents, my dirty little secrets. My parents are wonderful parents, but I turned out to be very different. Ever since I was a little boy, (like 6 yrs old, mind you,) I have been a bad example to my brother. So somewhere along the road I decided to try to hide my secrets and be a good example to him. HA! That didn't work. My bro, Landon, is only just under 2 years younger than me, and we have always been very close. He could read me like a book. I corrupted him in almost every way possible. UGH! Not very happy about that one. Neither are my parents. To them I should be on a mission, or at least preparing for one right now. The past five years have been full of trying to be "worthy" for a mission. It has been so fucking tiring. I've been trying and trying to be who my parents want me to be, who my older sister wants me to be, who my little sister wants me to be, who my bro wants me to be, (even though he won't admit it,) but it's never been something that I want! There was a period of time, like a month, mind you, where yes, I did want to go on a mission. It didn't match with my thoughts, who I was hanging out with, what I was doing, and who I really am. My parents won't believe me that this is who I am. I have been like this, a "rebel", my entire life. I have been lying to my parents since I was 6 years old. SIX! How could it not be who I am?! The people that I have always hung out with are the "bad kids". The ones that my parents warned me about. I'm afraid that I am one of those kids that they warned me about. I always have been. The night I told my parents that I am not going on a mission and that I was moving out, they were not happy. In fact far from it. My mother told me that I am, quote, "the meanest person she knows!" Ouch! Now, I know that she didn't really mean it. She tends to say things that she doesn't mean when she is emotional. But I am her son! I could not believe that she said that to me. It has haunted me ever since! Of course, I symbollically took a knife to her heart a few times, so I guess I deserved it. I just feel like she meant it sometimes. Going to my parents house has been different ever since I moved out. They won't just accept the fact that this is who I am. My mom gives me very judgemental looks everytime I go over there. Hugging my mom is so different now. It's like hugging an ex-girlfriend. It's totally and completely fucking awkward. I'm not asking them to support me in what I am doing, I just wish that they would accept me for who I am. Another problem is the example that I have given my brother. I am who my parents don't want him to be with. The other day, my brother said that he hasn't used his Chile's gift card yet, and my dad mentioned that he should go on a double. My mom sighed and reluctantly said, "go on a double with your brother. She won't let him sleep at my apartment. I've become the enemy. Every step to being me is a step away from my family. I just don't know what to do.
Secondly, there is me.
I have not been happier with who I am for quite a long time. But my self-esteem has dropped so much. Ever since my ex-fiancee broke up with me, I have been questioning my relationship abilities. I have not been able to hold relationships longer than 8 months. I am always the problem. I either go too far, or not far enough. My first girlfriend, I didn't kiss in our 3 months of being together. I think that had something to do with why she broke up with me. So the next few girlfriends that I had, I did. I had sex with one of them, and that one died because I told my parents, cause I'm an idiot. I was trying to be good again because that's what my parents wanted. UGH! I am so stupid! Then Deena came around. This was just after I had sex at 14! Deena was a good girl and I was her first boyfriend, so I told myself that I wouldn't do anything with her because I loved her too much. I knew that if I did anything, I would've wanted more, and I didn't want to screw up that one. Well I did. I didn't kiss her for 8 months! She broke up with me because of that. I didn't get over her through all of high school until my ex-fiancee came along. She was my love and my life. It just felt right. My parents loved her along with the rest of my family. We had a very good relationship up until we had sex. It ruined everything, literally. It became the relationship. That's all that we would look forward to. The only thing that we would do. So I broke up with her. A month later we got back together, it really was all that we did. I gave her the ring, and thought that I was happy. I realize now, that I wasn't. I was before we had sex, but I wasn't after. It ruined everything. Our breakup after that was very ugly. The night reality hit, was the worst night I have ever had. I had no idea that one could feel physical pain from an emotional hurt. Sometimes I wish that I had said no to sex, but it's too late now. My heart is broken and shattered. But then came Alyse. My newest gal. She has helped a lot, ridiculously. But I feel like I might've started to ruin that. I went too far with her because of my sexual addiction that I am having troubles with because of my last relationship. I did not and have not had sex with her, mind you, but I still feel like I let things happen that should not have. I hope that I can mend things there, because there is definitely something different about her. Alyse is like my other half. She is so understanding. I almost don't have to say anything! She knows me so well and its only been about a month since we started hanging out. I don't want to completely ruin this one. I'm pretty sure she will read this, and shake her head and think, "You haven't." She'll probably text me too. Haha!
Thirdly, my future.
I believe in the LDS church. In fact I know its true. I just don't know when and if I'll go back. I don't know if I could. I want to be married for time and all eternity. That sounds a little better than til death do you part! I just don't know that with who I am, that I could go back. I am enjoying certain things that would keep me out of the temple and away from worthiness. And I HATE GUILT! Every time I go back to church, I get looks. Looks that mean, "Why isn't he taking the sacrament?" or "He looks creepy." or "I'm glad he isn't hanging out with my kids." I tried for years to be the person that shitty LDS people want me to be. I was not happy. At all. I was not happy with myself and who I was. I was the kid who hasn't taken the sacrament for years and doesn't look like he's trying at all. I want to be loved for who I am, not for who everyone wants me to be. don't get me wrong, I do want to get married in the temple, I do want my kids to grow up in the church, but I don't know if I can do that. I would be such a hypocrite. Maybe I should just be a bachelor my whole life and never have kids! I just don't know!
Lastly, friends.
My whole life, I have been everyone's friend, but nobody's best friend. Everyone knew me, but nobody loved me. I had a maybe one or two close friends. I hung out with a couple people every once in a while, but most of the time, I was at home alone. I knew the jocks, I knew the drama kids, I knew the goths, I knew the rejects, I knew the emos, but I was never one of them. Ever. So I guess I never knew who I was. Once I moved out though, I feel like I do have friends who do care about me. My roommates kick ass! Sam has been there for me when I am in pain. The night reality kicked when my ex-fiancee broke up with me, all I needed was a hug. I know I totally sound really femme right now, but it's true. He was there, and, Sam, that hug changed the whole night. It helped so much. Thanx for being there. Deena, thanx. You are helping me work things out. You are a lot of help and I hope that i've helped on out nights of venting. Nessa, holy shit, you fucking rock. You are more like a sister to me than my own sisters! I know that I can come to you when I just need to vent! You are awesome and have helped me out a lot. I hope I have been of assistance also. And Alyse... What can I say? I'm at a loss for words. Everytime I talk to you about my feelings toward our relationship, you always are very understanding and you feel the same way. You are my world! I couldn't be luckier. You guys are my family.
Well that was my first blog. There is a lot in it and I hope that it wasn't too confusing!
Improving ME!
The past few weeks I have been trying to define who I am. I haven't known, and I still don't. It's been a very tiresome journey to nowhere. But last night I realized that it is because I have come to a complete standstill. I am not improving myself in any way, shape or form! I realize now that what I should be doing is looking for who I want to be, not searching for who I am. So I decided to make a to-do list persay, and begin taking a step towards improvement.
1- I want to look and feel better about myself.
My dad has a workout program that is kick ass and I would like to get one of my own. It is called P90X! Seriously, if you are dedicated to changing the way you look, and you have an hour of free time to workout every day, this is a fantastic program. My dad lost his pop belly within a month! It rocks, so I think I'm going to get that!
2-I am getting a piano!
I just went onto ebay last night and found full size keyboards for $500. They are not amazing pianos, but I just need something to be able to play on! I really miss having my sanctuary to go and play anytime I am stressed or just feel like playing! And, besides, if I want to get anywhere with the piano as my career, I've got to start working!
3-School!
This is a big part of improving myself. I need to go to school and start earning some sort of degree. I have found an online college called 'Berklee School of Music' and have found some things that I would like to do. I just need to save the money for that one!
4-A new hobby!
Lately, i've noticed how damn lazy I am! It is absolutely ridiculous! I have days where all I do is sit on facebook for hours upon hours! NOT GOOD! (as much as you'd like to think that it's awesome, it is a waist of time!) So, I'm going to do something about it. When I'm not playing piano, working out, or at work, I need something to do. I've really thought about it and noticed that my hands have been itching to do something. I've come to the conclusion that I would really like to start building things again. For instance, I built a knight stand when I was in junior high. I really enjoyed working on such things. The satisfaction in knowing that I built that does a wonder for my self-esteem!
So there you have it. My list of goals that I wrote at 4:20 in the morning today!
By the way, these are dates when I would like to accomplish said tasks. (not that you care or anything, I just need it written or typed somewhere to motivate me!)
1-I'd like to have P90X before February is over!
2-I'd like to at least have saved up for a piano by the end of March!
3-I'd like to be going to school by fall!
4-Uhh, whenever I can!
1- I want to look and feel better about myself.
My dad has a workout program that is kick ass and I would like to get one of my own. It is called P90X! Seriously, if you are dedicated to changing the way you look, and you have an hour of free time to workout every day, this is a fantastic program. My dad lost his pop belly within a month! It rocks, so I think I'm going to get that!
2-I am getting a piano!
I just went onto ebay last night and found full size keyboards for $500. They are not amazing pianos, but I just need something to be able to play on! I really miss having my sanctuary to go and play anytime I am stressed or just feel like playing! And, besides, if I want to get anywhere with the piano as my career, I've got to start working!
3-School!
This is a big part of improving myself. I need to go to school and start earning some sort of degree. I have found an online college called 'Berklee School of Music' and have found some things that I would like to do. I just need to save the money for that one!
4-A new hobby!
Lately, i've noticed how damn lazy I am! It is absolutely ridiculous! I have days where all I do is sit on facebook for hours upon hours! NOT GOOD! (as much as you'd like to think that it's awesome, it is a waist of time!) So, I'm going to do something about it. When I'm not playing piano, working out, or at work, I need something to do. I've really thought about it and noticed that my hands have been itching to do something. I've come to the conclusion that I would really like to start building things again. For instance, I built a knight stand when I was in junior high. I really enjoyed working on such things. The satisfaction in knowing that I built that does a wonder for my self-esteem!
So there you have it. My list of goals that I wrote at 4:20 in the morning today!
By the way, these are dates when I would like to accomplish said tasks. (not that you care or anything, I just need it written or typed somewhere to motivate me!)
1-I'd like to have P90X before February is over!
2-I'd like to at least have saved up for a piano by the end of March!
3-I'd like to be going to school by fall!
4-Uhh, whenever I can!
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