Sunday, February 1, 2009
Fuck
I don't know what to say. I fuck everyone over; everyone who I ever meet. Anyone that I ever have something good with, I always do something wrong. I wronged my brother, my sister, my parents. Every girlfriend that broke up with me was because of something I did, and every girl that finally wanted to stay with me I ruined. Who the hell am I and what the hell am I doing to everyone in my life. I can not ever do anything right. I'm a fucked up person who ruins friendships, families, and relationships. And what can I do about it?! I should just hide in my room and never come out. I'm not worth shit.
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Jorden,You are my brother, a brother that I have loved my whole life. Ever since you were young,and up to now, I have admired you. Your love of music, your compassion, and your incredible hugs. I have always seen so much potential in you, and know that someday you will be a great musician. But its more than music Jorden. You have enormous capacity to love, and feel. This is something you should never hide from or be ashamed of. Embrace it, and love everyone, see the good in everyone and everything, including yourself. You are at a point in your life that matters so much, and every decision you make right now determines the course of your life. I was there Jorden. More than you will probably believe. St. George was the greatest hell I have ever gone through, but also the greatest saving grace. I made a lot of what you call "bad choices" and no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I was fine and it was me, and I was happy, I wasn't. Then finally, I reached my breaking point. I died Jorden. Really. The only way was up, or die. Then I found myself, my true self. I tell you this not to compare, but to let you know that I may know how you feel more than you realize. I am sorry if I failed you as a sister. I have always loved you, but maybe I should have been there more, tried to be closer. I was always so caught up in my own life, I failed to notice yours. I am so sorry for this. I will never forgive myself if I could have helped you more and you would have been happier now. Let me be here for you Jorden. Let me love you. Come talk to me, I promise I will not judge. Please forgive me for the times I have. Know that you are worth so much in my eyes, and God's eyes. I cherish you. Please call me. Love you forever.
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